Author: Jacques de Villiers

  • The limits of my language means the limits of my world

    The limits of my language means the limits of my world

    The limits of my language means the limits of my world – Ludwig Wittgenstein, Philosopher

    I think I’m quite well-read … from Enid Blyton to Dr. Seuss (Theodore Seuss Giesel, in case you’re interested) and a little bit between.

    Depending who you believe, there are more than 500 000 words in English. I was tested the other day … I only know a woeful 10 000. So much for my reading.

    In light of the unexpected gift of panic attacks I’ve been dealing with over the last couple of months, it occurred to me that being unable to express myself properly has disempowered me from making sense (meaning) of my anxiety.

    I just don’t have the range of words to become fully self-aware, connected and to heal.

    When my therapist asks me how I feel, my range goes to sad, happy, angry and fucked. That’s the sum total of my expression. Ai tog, is that the best I have?

    There’s a treasure trove of nuanced words that can help me navigate what I’m going through, deal with it and heal … if I have the courage to explore them.

    What am I really saying when I’m sad, happy, angry and fucked? I’m limiting the range and depth of the issues that are holding me back.

    I can pick hundreds of lucid words to express myself from the lexicon of language: shame, disappointment, disgust, eviscerating, bored, revolted, loathsome, rejected, abandoned, helpless, hopeless.

    Abandonment

    Let’s take the word, abandoned, which is a big theme for me right now in light of my soulmate and lover’s impending departure to Australia. But the truth be told, her leaving is not the issue at hand. The affliction of abandonment (dad, how could you leave me when I was a year old?) has always been hiding in the dark, dank and dangerous alleyways of my soul, just waiting for an opportunity to be seen and obscure my light.

    What are the nuances of abandonment? Deserted, forsaken, ditched, rejected, discarded, cast aside, thrown away, ostracised, cast off, cast away, unwanted, neglected, forgotten, shunned, unheard, unseen, unimportant and godforsaken.

    I’m sure there are more synonyms to express abandonment. One of the best resources for synonyms that is useful to me is WordHippo, it may be useful to you too.

    You’re smart enough to get the picture, though. Dealing with your shit is is much more complexed, nuanced and meaning-making than just saying, sad, happy, angry and fucked.

    I know three things:

    1. If you find exactly the right word/s and feeling/s and name them and bring them into the light from out of the shadows, it’s easier to deal with them. And, to let go of their grip on you so that you can heal.
    2. It takes courage to to go into the heart of darkness and into the crevices of your soul and claw these demons to the surface. It takes courage to let your light shine and share yourself with the world.
    3. It’s hard work. It’s courageous work. It’s worthwhile work.

    Here’s the thing. What is seen cannot be unseen. Once you have seen it and named it, you have to take responsibility and be held accountable to deal with it. Nobody can save you, I promise you. Only you can save yourself. And that’s hard to come to grips with, isn’t it? Because we like to rationalise and blame others for our situation. But that’s just giving away our power isn’t it? That’s just letting others, and the past, puppeteer your strings so that we’ll never be in control of our own destinies.

    As one of my spiritual mentors, Etsko Schuitema says, “You manufacture your world.” He’s right, of course.

    If you’re going to manufacture something, make it a work of art, make it masterful, make it meaningful, make it a masterwork and make it a magnum opus. Make it you, you masterpiece.

    I love you.

    Let’s go and make a ruckus, you and I.

    Jacques

    PS: The first piece of The Courage To Become Visible Workshop for solopreneurs on 9 April, deals with exactly that – Clarifying your Contribution … How do you become a Masterwork creating a masterpiece. You already are that, this will just help you recognise your magnificence and embrace it in its entirety. Once you do that and open your heart to the infinite possibilities waiting for you, things will change. That’s a promise. Check out the workshop here.

  • Now that was from left field … panic attacks

    Now that was from left field … panic attacks

    A couple of people on this list said that I haven’t sent out a piece of text for a while. Since 8 February. Who knew?

    Who knew that I’d have a massive panic attack in Fourways Mall around that time because I couldn’t find out where my car was parked.

    And, they haven’t stopped since. So, it’s been a bit debilitating.

    But the anxiety and panic that I’ve had to deal with have also been a good thing and a gift. Although they’re really terrifying at the time.

    The attacks have reminded me that I still have unresolved woundings that I need to deal with (or not).

    They’re the normal suspects … you know … shame, guilt, rejection, abandonment, fear. Like I said in my Final Destination article of 8 February … rather deal with your woundings sooner than later because the more you run from them, the more they come at you. A ‘what you resist will persist’ vibe.

    The monsters will keep coming until you face them.

    So, what did I do?

    • A friend recommended a book called DARE: A new way to end anxiety and stop panic attacks. If you are afflicted (gifted) by anxiety, this is a good start and really helpful.
    • I’ve started looking at and processing my past woundings. Good grief, that opened a Pandora’s Box of unimaginable proportions. Fortunately, I have highly evolved conscious friends guiding me to healing, including the intuitive healer, Estelle Kapp and gatekeeper and enlightened guardian, Howard Burger of the Namaskar Wellness Hub. And, of course, my long-suffering friend who has picked me up off the floor more times than I can remember, Stef du Plessis. It is blindingly apparent though, that they can only facilitate the process of healing … I have to take the responsibility to heal myself.
    • So, that’s what I’m doing. Taking the illumination that is already in me and healing me. The result is short of miraculous. Just by facing down and dealing with some of my demons (there’s a long way to go, and apparently it is a lifetime of work), the anxiety and panic attacks have all but gone.
    • I don’t know what you’re going through, probably a lot worse than me. What I do know is that the more I deal with my woundings, the more I start to heal the more my light shines and the closer I get to fulfilling my purpose.

    I trust these insights are helpful to you.

    I love you,

    Jacques

  • Final Destination

    Final Destination

    Do you remember the movie franchise, Final Destination? That one where death has marked you, and no matter how much you try and avoid it, it catches up with you.

    Life is just like that too. All its messiness will catch up with you, sooner or later. Its inevitable. I’ve been trying to run from messiness for 58 years so that I don’t have to deal with the shame, fear, rejection, unworthiness, self loathing, humiliation and the “I’m not enoughness of it all.”

    Here’s the thing, though. Like monsters, nightmares and ghosts, these afflictions hide in the dusty attics in our hearts and the dark corridors of our soul. They’re infinitely patient and wait for their moment (which is normally when we have a bright spot of joy, certainty, love, and happiness) to trip us up and bring us to our knees.

    In my experience, the only way to prevent the monsters from sabotaging our happiness is to face them. Wrestle with them and overcome them. It’s not an easy fight because we have allowed them to grow strong by feeding them with our insecurities, fears and falsehoods. You’ll come out of the experience battered, bruised and emotionally spent.

    But there is really nothing for it but to face them sooner rather than later. It’s inevitable, they’re coming for us regardless of how much we run. They will always trip us up, frustrate and ruin our lives. Until we decide to face them, and destroy them, that is. It is possible … we can lay waste to them and become victorious in our lives and claim that the prize: to be happy and content.

    So, let’s be brave, you and I, and face them down now.

  • How do you know when you’re in a cult?

    How do you know when you’re in a cult?

    A friend and I were talking last night about how really whip-smart people can get into cultish behaviour and start sipping the Kool-Aid (a reference to the Jonestown mass suicide where 918 people died).

    I’m sure I don’t have to explain a cult to you, you’re whip-smart.

    How do we know when we’re in a cult?

    If we’re alive, we’re in a cult (ture). We all pin our flag to something, be it a religion, a system, a company, a political party, a personality, idea, ideal or a movement.

    A nation of sheep begets a government of wolves.

    Edward R. Murrow

    The trick, of course is not to get so caught up in the thing that we lose all our rational thought. If we find ourselves agreeing with everything in our cult, we are close to sipping the Kool-Aid and losing ourselves totally.

    One of the challenges is that whip-smart people can rationalise whatever it is to suit them. Intellectually we can argue for or against something with 100% conviction and defend our narrow view of the world. As a consequence we can get up to the most unbelievable mischief.

    When we follow blindly, we can run into deep shit.

    Make yourself sheep and the wolves will eat you.

    Benjamin Franklin

    I don’t have the answer to stop us from drinking the Kool-Aid, only some thoughts that have occurred to me and may be helpful to you.

    • I need to be less in my head and more in my heart. When I feel things, that’s when I’m truly connected. Every time my heart/intuition has picked up a red flag and my head overrode it, it’s gone badly for me. I’ve learned to listen to my heart a lot more, and things flow beautifully as a consequence.
    • I need to choose inclusion over isolation. If I only get one view of the world, it is absolutely limiting, and dangerous.
    • Know that every cult (ture) has a shadow side. Let your heart guide you to what is right for your highest good and that of your fellow travellers on this rock.
    • Blindly following someone and subordinating your free will to them is not an answer to your problems. It could very well be the start of your problems … leading to you losing yourself, your heart, your soul and your life. And, of course, destroying others in the process too. I wrote a small piece about this here.
    • Know when to leave. If an acorn falls too close to the tree it will rot. The only way for us to grow is to get out of the shade of the guru tree and find our own path.
    • Take the best of everything you’ve learned in your cult (ture). If you don’t know what that is, here’s a clue: it is benevolent to your higher good and that of humanity. Add to the best and make it better and become a beacon of light and hope.

    The most important lesson I’ve learned, however, is that we actually don’t need to get answers from our cult (ture). We don’t need to learn anything new when it comes to our soul journey. We already know everything, we just need to open our heart so that we can remember. We already have the illumination we are seeking within us.

    That takes a lot of inner work, meditation and self-reflection. If we get that right, we’ll find the illumination within us and we don’t have to rely on our cult (ture) to lead us. When we’re in our head we get led, when we’re in our heart we get fed (with exactly the right answer for our situation).

    You have everything needed for the extravagant journey that is your life.

    Carlos Castaneda

    I love you, Jacques.

  • Remember the First Time

    Remember the First Time

    A writer never forgets the first time he accepted a few coins or a word of praise for exchange for a story. He will never forget the sweet poison of vanity in his blood, and the belief that, if he succeeds in not letting anyone discover his lack of talent, the dream of literature will provide him with a roof over his head, a hot meal at the end of the day, and what he covets most: his name printed on a miserable piece of paper that will surely outlive him. A writer is condemned to remember that moment, because from then on he is doomed and his soul has a price.

    The Angel’s Game – Carlos Ruiz Zafón

    My first time came in 1996 when the now defunct Living Magazine commissioned me to write 1000 words called Battered Women – South Africa’s shame. This was an age when text was still written on real paper.

    I can’t believe I still have it around. I can’t believe that it was this mediocre piece of work that fired my addiction to ego and coin … the one where I sold my soul out. I think I kept it as a reminder how one can get it so wrong.

    Here I am 25 years later still trying to write something that matters. Do I have the courage, the grit and the depth to write something that matters? I fucking hope so, otherwise I’m going to go quite mad.

    Don’t sell out. Do work that matters.

    I love you,

    Jacques

  • Pain is necessary, suffering is optional

    Pain is necessary, suffering is optional

    I’ve been reflecting on the nature of pain over the past weeks. The shattering of the heart pain that we all feel. The one leaving us curled in the foetal position keening like a wounded animal. That one.

    I’ve been there. You’ve been there. We’re going to be there lots of times still.

    Our creator left us with the secret of happiness. But they knew that we had to come to it in an evolutionary fashion and not have it revealed to us instantly, otherwise we wouldn’t be able to have this human experience. And, quite frankly if it came to us in a flash, it would blow our minds.

    This secret is hidden in the last place we’d think to look … in our heart. We go outside to find it … possessions, relationships and mind-altering chemicals. Happiness is hidden in plain sight, that’s why we miss it.

    I have a notion that we were given a heart to be broken, shattered, torn and ripped apart. The heart is built to endure and absorb pain. Every time it is ripped apart, it opens a little more. As it opens a little more, it reveals our true essence, and the secret to our happiness.

    One day, it will be fully exposed and open. And on that day, we’ll know what real happiness is. But that day is probably not now.

    How do we then navigate our way through the maze of pain, suffering, desolation and disconnect we feel?

    I have a semblance of an answer that works for me. But, it’s not easy, it takes a radical shift in consciousness and bucket loads of courage.

    • Come to a place of understanding where we see that pain as necessary. Why would the creator give us pain if it weren’t for a purpose? They way I’m understanding it … it is to open our hearts to the truth.
    • Sit with the pain. Don’t try and dull it with chemicals and hedonistic experiences. Pain is the experience. So, experience it. There’s a wonderful healing to it. Every time we feel pain and heal it, our heart opens just a little more.
    • The more we try and run from the pain we’re feeling, the more it is going to come at us until we start getting the lesson. The more we try and protect our heart, the more it is going to be overrun by the foot soldiers of pain.
    • Accept the pain because every shard that cuts us, cuts away the shackles that bind us.
    • Let the pain free our hearts and keep them open.
    • You will never be given more than you can handle. No matter how hurt, shattered and desolate you feel, know that you have been given the capacity to handle it.
    • It’s only when we get to an open heart that the true secret of happiness is revealed to us: Love! I know that perhaps you wanted a more complicated answer to make sense of it all. Love makes sense of it all. We are created in love. We are created to love. We are created to be love. We are love.

    Suffering

    There’s a shadow side to pain, of course. It’s called معاناة mueanaa: suffering, hardship, misery, anguish, torment, affliction, tribulation, trauma, wretchedness and hell on earth.

    Some doos somewhere down the line told each one of us that suffering is hardwired in us and that it is our lot to bear it. Whoever told you that is delusional. Understand that pain is necessary, suffering is optional. This story was written to enchant us, not to make us suffer. It was written out of love.

    Let’s make a choice today. Let’s accept the pain, sit with it and use it to open our hearts so that we can become love. Let’s discard the mantle of suffering. We were never meant to be victims in this stories but rather victors.

    Let’s be that.

    I love you.

    Jacques

  • Envy is the religion of the mediocre

    Envy is the religion of the mediocre

    I bang on about mediocrity a lot. Maybe I should interrogate that and see why that is, and what mediocrity in others mirrors for me … but not today.

    I found a piece by Carlos Ruiz Zafón in his book The Angel’s Game that gives an articulate description of one aspect of mediocrity. It has clarified things for me in terms of the zeitgeist of the world today, it may be helpful to you too.

    “Envy is the religion of the mediocre. It comforts them, it responds to the worries that gnaw at them and finally it rots their souls, allowing them to justify their meanness and their greed until they believe these to be virtues.

    “Such people are convinced that the doors of heaven will be opened only to poor wretches like themselves who go through life without leaving any trace but their threadbare attempts to belittle others and to exclude – and destroy if possible – those who, by the simple fact of their existence, show up their poorness of spirit, mind and guts. Blessed be the one at whom the fools bark, because his soul will never belong to them.”

    If the fools are barking at you, you can be sure that you’re on the right track. You’re holding your light. You’re in your power. Your frequency is vibrating as it should. Your soul is intact.

    1. You who are pregnant with potential, don’t play small to make other people feel better.
    2. You who are as smart as a whip, don’t dumb down your shit so that others can feel smart.
    3. You who are as bright as the brightest star, don’t dull your genius to fit in.

    This is how you survive mediocrity, morons and monsters.

    You’re the job.

    Love, Jacques.

  • Let the fiasco of failure fuel your fire

    Let the fiasco of failure fuel your fire

    My beloved child has just turned 16. They’ve been struggling for close on five years with the way they relate to the world (more like forever). They are an empath to the highest degree. Think when you ‘ugly cry’ in a sad movie and multiply that by 10. The pain and suffering in the world eviscerates their heart with the glass shards staying in for weeks.

    Something had to give and they untethered from this reality. The cutting, the deep depression, the hopelessness of it all were manifest to their turmoil.

    Their mother and I tried everything to help her get their feet back onto the ground. We have employed shamans, Reiki masters, NLP practitioners, psychologists, you name it. All for nought. I’ve begged, pleaded and bargained with Allah to give me their pain so that they don’t suffer. That’s not on the cards either, apparently.

    Long story short, since April they’ve been to a state psychiatrist who prescribed pills to help balance them chemically. It has been nothing short of a miracle. They’re back. They’re human. They’re sentient. They’re love. They’re joy.

    I thought our family was broken. It’s not. It is fractured and healable.

    Separation from Reality

    But, this is only the backstory to my own separation from reality and diving into the darkness that sometimes enfolds me.

    They live in George with their mother, Simone’. I was visiting my child a month or so ago. Simone’ said to me, “Why don’t you take Aruna to the clinic to fetch her pills.”

    Now I’m thinking that we’re going to a mainstream clinic … a Medicross kinda vibe. Aruna directs me to the clinic through a local township. I’m thinking that this is one hell of a fucking detour to get to the clinic. “Turn here,” they say. To my horror we drive into a car park where a mass of people trying to get into a nondescript building … evidently, the clinic.

    When we get inside it’s like a dystopian nightmare, Covid be fucked. Bodies pressed together, sick festering souls, all screaming for solace, pain relief and peace.

    My child is taking this all in her stride. Clearly, this is not her first rodeo. This is her reality. She’s at peace.

    I, on the other hand, am having a breakdown. I excuse myself and go outside as tears of frustration, disappointment and self loathing start pouring out of me.

    You’re a fuck up

    How is it that I got myself into this financial situation where I can’t take my child to a private psychiatrist and get her medications from a Dischem? How is it that I’ve failed so miserably to provide for my family? How is it that my mother was right when she said I was a fuck up, a fiasco of failure and a disappointment to others, just like I was to her?

    This was my Damascene moment. This was my rock bottom. My wake up call.

    Right then, in that dystopian car park of Hades I decided to show up differently. Take back my power which I’ve been giving away for years (maybe lifetimes). I decided to stop suffering and to stop the self loathing and to embrace the untold gifts that await me (and you), if I only decided to accept them.

    The changes were subtle and profound.

    • I allowed my partner in so that she could really love me.
    • I decided that it’s ok to make bucketloads of money like I used to.
    • I decided that it’s ok to love myself unconditionally.
    • I decided to take back my power from those I’ve given it to.

    Miracles do Happen

    It’s been a miracle since I shifted my perception.

    • From couch surfing for the last couple of years, I now have a 3 bedroom place that I can call home. My own.
    • Work is flowing in.
    • Soon, Allah-willing more money will flood in and, I’ll be able to manifest what I want: To be with those that I love, to travel and to live.

    So, perhaps it is like they say: You have to hit rock bottom and smash against the wall before you can truly heal. In the Hero’s Journey this would be the ‘dark night of the soul’. Where hopelessness, separation, desolation, abandonment and doubt feed off you, stripping you down to a no thing.

    I don’t recommend hitting rock bottom – it’s hell, let nobody kid you about it. It tears your mind apart, it shreds your soul and eviscerates your emotions. It brings out your shadow and everything ugly about you. You vomit out the bile that’s been your life up until now. But, once you are purged, it opens up the possibility of something new.

    Redemption

    Go now. Don’t hit rock bottom. I wouldn’t recommend it. Go make a choice now to change things you don’t like. Take back your power. Stand in your power. Raise your vibration, raise the world.

    We can do this together, you and I.

    I love you, Jacques.

  • Move it up

    Move it up

    Do you ever look at yourself in the mirror and have a small panic attack because you feel as if you’re running out of road and running out of time?

    I do. I have plans for my life, but these might not be the plans that are destined for me, and I might be called back to Eden before I can manifest them.

    I’ve decided to move things up and get as much out of this experience as I can. I’m not going to wait for ‘when the time is right’ or for ‘when I’m ready’. I’m doing shit now. I’m starting my new books, now. I’m loving myself, now. I’m taking those trips, now. I’m telling the woman in my life, “I love you”, now. I’m taking my sister for lunch, now. I’m telling you who are reading this how much I appreciate you, now.

    Maybe you want to join me and move things up. Don’t kid yourself, there’s never going to be a perfect moment to do this. Well, there is … and, it’s now.

    Remember, you have everything that is needed for this extravagant journey that is your life. When you were born, you were born full, not empty. There’s no reason to strive for things to fill you. You’re overfull of potential, love and grace. Strive for things because it is pleasurable and because it pleases your creator. Your creator is always pleased when you are pleased, when you are pure potential, when you manifest the light in you, when you hold your power, when you’re YOU.

    Go now, after you’ve read this piece, go and make that connection, give that hug, tell someone who needs to hear it that you love them (and, whilst you’re about it, tell yourself that you love you).

    Go now!

  • Hold Your Centre, Hold Your Light

    Hold Your Centre, Hold Your Light

    Have you ever looked at your adult self in the mirror and thought that you’d be further in front?

    Recently, when I looked in the mirror it became apparent to me that as hard as I’ve been working on it from a spiritual and emotional perspective, I have been playing small again so that others can feel big. I dumb down my shit so that others don’t feel inadequate (those people video). I deflect so that I don’t rock the status quo. I shut up so that others can be heard (even if they talk the biggest load of shit).

    It’s exhausting being so inauthentic. I’m not small. I have a big, brash, fiery, enthusiastic and generous personality. I care deeply enough to do what’s right, even if it disadvantages me. I’m awesome. I’m smart.

    I know how to write brilliantly. I’m not a Shakespeare, but I’m at least Charles Bukowski (without the sex, drugs and alcohol).

    “This is definitely the best article I’ve read since lockdown. Since ever!” Jeanette de Klerk Smit

    My real superpower is seeing the potential in others and inspiring them to reach that potential and helping them market themselves.

    An issue of control

    So wowed! 15 minutes with Jacques and I feel like a rockstar. I’ve been feeling so insecure about what I’ll do after Unisa, about what marketable skills I really have. One short chat about the LinkedIn profile he’s doing for me, and I suddenly feel like I’ve got the talent, experience and knowledge to build not only a business, but a brand on. Jolene Raison

    I’ve been toning my personality down ever since I can remember because it can be too much for some people.

    A number of years ago I was involved with the mink and manure set, breathing the same rarified and expensive air as them, and scraping horse shit off my shoes. One had to speak just so, ‘dahling’. It was exhausting hiding my Karoo roots.

    On the spiritual path I’m on, everyone is just so zen, soft spoken and courteous. It’s exhausting when I can’t raise my pulse with some enthusiasm and effervescence.

    And everyone is woke. I feel that when I open my size 11 mouth, I’m sticking my size 10 foot in it every bloody time.

    If I was woke and classified my condition as an affliction, it would be called Social Tourette’s.

    My partner, who is super smart and intuitive, put it in perspective for me. She said that my job is to hold my frequency, centre and power. It’s not my job to make people feel better. It’s my job to shine my light.

    She said that it’s not my job to be responsible for other people’s success. That’s their journey. My job is to hold my light.

    This answers the question for me why I quit as an inspirational speaker. I felt responsible for every audience member’s success. That was not my job as a speaker. I could show them a way that worked for me, and that could be helpful to them. That’s it. What they chose to do with the information was not my business.

    “We are not here to fix things, we are here to witness how they work.” Etsko Schuitema.

    Sit at the grownups' table

    I’ve come to realise that not everyone has the same register and resonance as me, and that’s ok. They’re not my people. I need to find my people. People who appreciate my talents, my worth and my opinion are my people.

    I’ve decided not to drop my standards. I’m not dumbing down my writing. I’m looking for race horses, who, when they don’t understand a word, go and look it up in the dictionary. Those that think the words are too difficult and put down my text … they’re not my peeps.

    I’m going to hold my centre, my light and my authenticity. It’s less exhausting and way more exhilarating. I’m never dumbing shit down … it’s a race to mediocrity.

    Thank you for holding your frequency and your centre. Shine your light. Vibrate magnificently. I appreciate you.

    You’re the Job.