Author: Jacques de Villiers

Burn the Haystack. Find the Needle.

I’ve no doubt that you’ve heard the idiom “Like looking for a needle in a haystack.”

It’s based on the idea that it’s hard to find a sewing needle in a haystack. It means when something is almost impossible to find.

It got me thinking about the Holy Grail and the Arthurian legends attached thereto. Just in case you’re not up to speed. The Holy Grail was the cup used by Christ in the last supper. And, in which Joseph of Arimathea received Christ’s blood on the cross. As far as I know, nobody has found the Grail yet. It’s rumoured to be in Ethiopia according to Indiana Jones.

Thus, a Grail quest refers to something that we desire but it is just about impossible to achieve.

If you’ve spent any time with yourself you’ve no doubt craved something for just you, haven’t you?

We all want something. And, it’s different for all. What is it for you? Power, money, fame, relationships, status, peace, friendship, harmony, fulfilment, security, cars, houses and heaven?

Here’s the question, “If you want something, why don’t you already have it?”

Why is the thing that haunts our dreams so difficult to find? Like the proverbial needle in the haystack?

I might have an angle, and an answer. But, first let me just put it out there … wanting wealth, power, money and fame is just a sideshow. It’s not why you’re dancing on this planet with your allotted 2-billion or so seconds. In my opinion, you and I are here to get our heart, soul and spirit right. We’re here to stand in awe of the magnificence that we live in. We’re here to live in gratitude for that which we already have and that is still waiting for us.

So, now that I’ve sucked the fun out of wanting ‘stuff’, let’s go there anyway. Perhaps, the reason we don’t get what we want is because of one word: Excuses.

Burn your damn excuses!

I think the human condition is one overflowing with excuses and justification. We always have a reason why we couldn’t, shouldn’t and didn’t.

We try. We don’t do (stealing the concept from Yoda). Or as Carlos Castaneda wrote, “A warrior lives by acting, not thinking about acting.”

I believe that if we were to complain less, justify less and make fewer excuses, we would be a lot nearer to our goals.

We also have an insatiable need to complicate what is simple, don’t we? And, we use complication and the drama we create in our lives as excuses to why we are not where we should be.

The Gordian Knot

Let’s go back in time to see if there’s another way to deal with ‘complication’. When he was appointed king, Gordius dedicated his oxcart to Zeus, tying it up in a peculiar knot. An oracle foretold that he who untied the knot would rule all Asia. Many people tried to untie the the ‘Gordian Knot’. It persisted in thwarting everyone for 100 years. Then, in 333 B.C, 23-year-old Alexander the Great arrived in Gordium.

He couldn’t resist attempting to untie the legendary ‘Gordian Knot’.

He struggled with it for a while and became more and more frustrated in his attempts. He unsheathed his sword and said, “What does it matter how I loose it?” With one powerful stroke he severed the knot and the whole of Asia opened up to him.

Perhaps it would be an idea for you and me to stop complicating your lives and making excuses. Stop thinking about acting and start taking action. Cut our ‘Gordian Knot’ so that ‘Asia’ can reveal its splendour to you and me.

Just burn the haystack. Find the needle. Do it now. Life is too short to mess about, it’s too short for excuses and it’s too short to watch opportunities pass you by. Go for it because as the old saying goes, “we regret more the things we didn’t do than the things we did.”

September 5, 2015
Curb your judgement

After his book launch an author complained that one of his best friends never bought his book. He ranted, saying that he expected his friend to support him by buying his book. He got nods of agreement from the the rantees.

The author went as far as saying that he was prepared to terminate the long-standing friendship because of this ‘shameful’ behaviour. All, once again nodded in agreement. Except for one.

He asked, “Is it true that your friend had to buy your book?” He went on to ask if it wasn’t conceivable that the friend expected the author to maybe give him the book for free because of the virtue of their long-standing friendship?

He also asked if the author was prepared to break up a friendship over the price of a R150 book? The same friend who had helped the author out of many a tight spot and had been nothing but supportive throughout the blood, sweat and tears that writing brings out of one.

It is easy to get on one’s high horse and judge someone for a perceived slight. But, who knows that person’s situation? The friend may have been going through a hard time financially and just managed to scrape enough money for the petrol to get to the book launch. The friend may be an inch away from debtors prison, his wife may be leaving him and he is barely hanging on. You see, one doesn’t always know the other side of the story.

Take taxi drivers for instance. A seriously easy (and mostly-deserved) target for our ire. Generally, they’re hated for the way they take over the road, cut in front of us, stop at will and break every rule of the road. Monsters, one and all, aren’t they?

But, is this true?

From my understanding, a taxi driver has to make a set sum of money for his boss before he starts making any money for himself. Let’s call it R1 500. This means that he has to get as many passengers into his vehicle and drop them off as quickly as possible so that he can do this again and again and again. He may only start making money for himself late in the afternoon and could walk away with the princely sum of R200 for being up before the crack of dawn. This kind of pressure can’t possibly lead to sterling behaviour.

Remember, like us he is a parent, a husband, a son and a human being. He is just trying to do the best he can do under the circumstances. Just like you and me. Perhaps our judgement should go to the taxi bosses whose yoke enslaves these drivers?

My housekeeper was late for the umpteenth time. I got angry with her. She explained, that for the piddly (my words) R150 a day I paid her to clean up my mess, she had to get up at 4 am and catch two taxis. Then she had to do the same going back home. I can’t remember the detail, but her taxi fare was in the region of R70. So, her take home pay was R80. I don’t know about you, but I’m not sure I would go through the stress she does to work for R80 a day.

I don’t get angry with her much anymore.

I’m mindful that the universe doesn’t revolve around me, that other people have their own issues, hopes and dreams. And, that whilst I’m judging them, they too may be judging me because my behaviour is strange and abhorrent to them too. Perhaps a better way is to look at every situation with curiosity rather than with judgement.

[author] [author_image timthumb=’on’]https://www.jacquesdevilliers.co.za/wp-content/uploads/2013/01/Screen-Shot-2015-06-20-at-11.43.17-AM.png[/author_image] [author_info]Jacques de Villiers is the strategic account director for the Jacques de Villiers Group. He helps set both his clients and his partners up to succeed. For his own account he speaks and trains on, personal excellence, leadership, marketing and copywriting.[/author_info] [/author]

July 31, 2015
From superficial to stupendous

Have you ever experienced the relief when a car alarm that has been going off for the last hour, stops?

Suddenly you can take a breath and think clearly again.

But, if it isn’t a car alarm, it’s some other distraction that’ll keep us out of our heads.

I love distraction because the reality is that it stops me from thinking. More specifically, it stops me from thinking about myself. And, it stops me from living an authentic life.

I like to keep it light and superficial because sometimes it is hard to deal with myself. I don’t want to have to ask (and answer) questions like, “why am I where I’m at?”, “am I happy and do I even know what will make me happy?”, “why am I not achieving my goals?”.

Because if I’m forced to answer these questions I might not be happy with what comes out.

I may just come to the realisation that I’m 100% responsible for the how my life has turned out. And, when I have nobody to blame but myself … that’s a bitter pill to swallow. Because once you come to that realisation that there’s nowhere to hide, then you have to deal with yourself. And, that can be hard.

Thus, I keep myself busy so that I don’t have to face the reality of what I have created … my life.

Theologian Frederich Buechner puts it more eloquently than I ever could, “We shy away from introspection because however fearful the surface seems, we fear the depths still more.

Of course we fear the depths and try and keep things light and on the surface. But, it is only when we go deep that we can really figure things out for ourselves.

And, when we truly plumb the depths of our hearts and souls and realise that, yes, we really are 100% responsible for creating our world, it can be quite liberating.

Because if we’re 100% responsible, we have the power to change any situation we’re in right now.

So, if you’re not happy with something in your life, you have the choice to do something about it right now.

Take yourself off the grid for a while and shut the ‘alarm’ off so that you can come to grips with who you really are.

Have the courage to go deep so that you can turn your life from superficial to stupendous. The journey is worth it, I promise you.

Photo by Zsolt Zsigmond

July 28, 2015
No Good Deed Goes Unpunished
“This is no time to make new enemies”. These were the last words of French writer and philosopher, Voltaire on his deathbed when asked to foreswear Satan.

I, of course, have no problem making new enemies (and upsetting old enemies) on a regular basis. Yes, I know, being arrogant, self-absorbed, difficult, short-tempered and petulant – with a weird (if any) sense of humour doesn’t help my cause at all.

Yet, if I were a genius like Ernest Hemingway, Pablo Picasso, Leonardo da Vinci, William Shakespeare and Mr. Spock, these character defects would be eccentric (and expected) to mere mortals.

Being a mere mortal, my frailties aren’t cute and eccentric … they’re just bombastic and rude.

I collect enemies in three ways.
- I don’t listen well.
- I make up enemies.
- I try to be helpful or “No good deed goes unpunished”.
Non-existent listening skills

I’m a shocking listener. I’m that guy. You know the one. That irritating creature who antagonises people by finishing their sentences for them and interrupting them in mid-sentence. And, of course, listens not to understand, but to get my viewpoint across. I promise you … nobody likes a self-opinionated smarty-pants. I’m trying to take a page out of Etko Schuitema’s book when he says that listening is a moral skill and it is suspending my agenda for the other. Not so good at it at the moment.

Manufacture an enemy

If I haven’t got a real enemy I make one up. Like I don’t have enough on my plate to contend with. I’ve conjured up an enemy. Let’s call him Jeb to save me the embarrassment of having to apologise to him later whilst nursing a black eye. The Lord knows that the log in my eye is far greater than the splinter in his. Jeb is a professional speaker. Whenever he presents a motivational talk or writes something, I just know it isn’t his own work. But, he claims it as his. Surely everyone knows that Zig Ziglar and not Jeb said, “Rich people have small TVs and big libraries, and poor people have small libraries and big TVs.”

It drives me insane. And, it drives me to a froth that his audiences love him and lap up every word he says. And, Jeb, where’s the proof that millionaires read at least 60 business books a year and the rest of us don’t. I read more than 60 books a year and all I’m doing is making the authors into millionaires. I don’t know if it is that the audience loves him or that he makes more money than a small town and me (or a combination of both) that gets me so riled up?

Of course, the irony is not lost on me that I might just be projecting my inadequacies onto Jeb. I know I’ve pinched a quote or two or 50 from someone without acknowledging the source.

But, here’s the thing, Jeb doesn’t even know that I have an issue with him. And, even if he did, he wouldn’t change nor care to change. So, Jeb is in effect besting me without even knowing it. The only one who is losing in this self-inflicted drama is I.

On a side note – manufacturing an “enemy” is a good way to rally the troops and keep them focused. And, in some circumstances killed – the so-called “weapons of mass destruction” that started the Iraqi invasion cost the USA 4 486 soldiers and more than 170 000 Iraqis (more or less 120 000 of those being civilian deaths). So, conjuring up an enemy is seldom helpful.

No good deed goes unpunished – Oscar Wilde (he’s the handsome lad in the photo, by the way)

Be helpful. That’s a sure fire way of making enemies. I get an A+ in this department. I have a ‘gift’ of being able to spot a grammatical error or spelling mistake with one eye closed, even if I’m in a drunken stupor. Naturally, this gift doesn’t extend to my own work which, more often than not, looks like the love-child of Tourette’s and ADHD. When I point out a mistake (with great humility and tact, I might add) I can see the shutters go down and ire rise. It has taken me years to realise that even if people ask for critique, nobody actually likes it. Most of us just want someone to agree with our viewpoint. Criticism hurts for the simple reason that it is probably true and the person being criticised has to come to terms with his or her frailty. So, I don’t critique anybody’s work now unless they ask me to (at least three times) because no good deed goes unpunished.

I suppose that’s why I stay in my study and write as much as I can. Because if I’m out of my room unsupervised and not sedated, I will mix with people and invariably rub someone up the wrong way.
July 27, 2015
Gold or God

I was thinking about North and South America the other day as one does when one is sitting in Benoni at a Spur restaurant.

For some reason I was thinking about why North America was ‘wealthy’ and that South America wasn’t. One is ‘first world’ and the other is well … ‘third world’.

I have a notion that when the Spanish settled in South America they went there for the gold. When the Pilgrim Fathers went to North America they went for God.

The focus on spirit and something bigger than themselves and gold gave the Pilgrims an unshakeable purpose. They went to America to find the religious freedom they couldn’t get in Britain at the time.

I think that’s what made all the difference.

So, maybe this is true for us too. When we’re so focused on our paycheques and lose sight of what’s important we have third-world thinking.

I believe that the human being was put on this earth for something more than just the gold.

We were put here to answer a calling and to follow a path with heart. Of course, the trick is for each of us to find that calling in our own way.

And, that’s the tough part. To find our purpose we need to take that road less travelled by and go in search of knowledge. We need to use the knowledge to fight and overcome our inner battles so that we can find the authentic essence within in us. We need to be clear as to how we can make something meaningful in the short space of time we have.

I, like you, live in the real world too. So, I’m not against ‘gold’ at all. I’m mindful that when we feel insecure because we don’t have the means, purpose and meaning can fall by the wayside. I’m just saying that gold must not be our focus because there’s no way it can make us happy, ultimately.

In our striving for purpose and meaning I’m of the opinion that we would be better served by focusing on Saraswati (the goddess of knowledge, music and art) and not on Lakshmi (the goddess of wealth).

You already know how it works, don’t you? When we focus on Saraswati, Lakshmi gets curious and follows.

When you find your purpose your heart will sing and good fortune will follow.

July 10, 2015
Attention is superior to intention

It was when I was rereading Etsko Schuitema’s Intent: Exploring the Core of Being Human the other day that I came across this aphorism: Attention is Superior to Intention.

Eckhart Tolle made the same observation when he said, “Realize deeply that the present moment is all you have. Make the NOW the primary focus on your life.

And, to add some more weight to this, Carlos Castaneda said, “A man of knowledge lives by acting, not by thinking about acting.

These quotes and more, highlight the weakness in setting goals for our lives.

Our goals are full of good intent. We want the fancy car, we want to lose weight, we want to quit smoking, we want to travel, we want to be rich, we want a loving relationship and the like.

However, most of us are not prepared to pay attention to the process of getting our intention.

Unless we focus on the actions and do the work to get to our end destination, all the visualisations and affirmations in the world won’t get us any nearer to our dreams.

I believe that many of us miss the boat because we’re not prepared to pay attention to the work we have to do in the moment to achieve our dreams. Just in case you think I’m judging, I’m not … I’m as guilty as the next man of not working as hard as I should. I miss the boat plenty.

Perhaps some of us are just not prepared to pay the price to get what we want. Perhaps I can just be blunt enough and say it, “We are lazy and want our success handed to us on a plate”.

As Thomas Edison said, “Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.

I think many of us have bought into the saying “work smarter and not harder”. And, maybe it has given us an excuse not to work too hard. The problem is that we are not working smarter either. So, if we take away hard work and smarts, we’re pretty much left with nothing.

We are also misled by the media’s portrayal of people that are ‘overnight successes’. I think if we interrogate these so-called ‘overnight successes’ we’ll find the opposite is true. We’ll find that they worked extremely hard, over a long period of time whilst enduring failure after failure to achieve ‘overnight success’. 99% of ‘overnight success’ stories are myth.

I suppose the trick is to figure out what it is that we really want in our lives. Then set action plans to achieve what it is we want and then use every moment wisely and knuckle down and do the work.

Because as you know, the only place where success comes before work is in the dictionary.

July 9, 2015
Be Selfish and don’t feel guilt about it

Do you ever feel guilty when you’re selfish? You know, when you do something just for you?

I did.

If I wasn’t putting my family first, going to bat for my clients 100% and slaving away to make sure that everyone in my ecosystem was ok, then I felt guilty.

This was up until I came to the concept of selfishness through an Irishman called Philip McKernan who runs an intervention called Authentic Goal Setting.

He asked one of his clients what he liked doing. After some time and prompting, the client finally admitted that he liked yachting. But that he didn’t do it anymore.

McKernan asked him if his family minded when he spent time on the yacht. His answer was illuminating. He claimed that there was more harmony in the house because he was in a better mood.

He felt more relaxed, invigorated and centred after a session of yachting. He enjoyed his family more and they him.

McKernan then berated him. He said that he was selfish by not going yachting.

Surely, if it put him in a better mood, made him a better father, a better husband, a better person … surely that’s a good thing?

And, for me that’s the ‘aha moment’. If we give everything to others and leave nothing for ourselves, then we are doomed to be unhappy. And, if we make ourselves unhappy, that’s just being selfish, isn’t it?

Because when we’re happy, it rubs off on those we love and they become happy. So, it’s a win-win all round.

The bottom line is that we need ‘me’ time.

I’ve met so many couples that may as well be joined at the hip because they do everything together. It is almost as if one can’t function without the other, they’re so co-dependent. They become ‘us’ but lose their individual identity in the process.

One of our biggest drivers is the need for significance.

In a relationship environment there’s a lot of ‘us’ and very little ‘me’.

We’ve been brainwashed that if we spend ‘me’ time, we’re being selfish.

But if you buy into McKernan’s concept of selfishness, then being ‘selfish’ is not a bad thing, is it?

Be a bit selfish. Do something that you love. Go fishing. Read a book. Yacht. Have a facial. Hang out with friends. Meditate. Go to gym. Run. Collect stamps. Bake. Hike. Sit. Breathe.

Whatever it is that inspires you, go on, do it. Be selfish and take some ‘me’ time.

What’s the worst that can happen? You may feel happier. Lighter. More centred. Grateful. You may just become a better mommy, daddy, son, daughter, grandfather, grandmother, employee, employer … that can’t ever be a bad thing, can it?

Connect with you next week … I’m off to spend an hour or so at the lake with my fishing rod and maybe catch a Bass or two. And, if I don’t … so what? I’m connecting with me and being selfish.

April 29, 2015
We stand on the shoulders of giants
I’m sure you know that Cecil John Rhode’s statue was recently removed from the Cape Town University because of a whole bunch of issues including being a colonialist and messing up everyone’s lives. And, it looks like the activists have their eyes on Paul Kruger’s statue too.

I don’t want to get into they why’s and wherefores of the debate because it is not germane to the point I want to make.

Maybe there’s another view. It doesn’t matter what tribe you belong to, but in one form or another, it tried to colonise and subjugate someone – British, Germans, Zulus, Afrikaners, Spanish, Viking, Hun, Americans and the like.

Understand that becoming human is an iterative process and yes, massive mistakes have been made along the way and are still going to be made along the way.

But we are all here and benefiting from all those that have come before us. We are standing on the shoulders of giants.

Let’s take Britain for example. It’s cool to bash them, isn’t it? The Afrikaner tribe for the atrocities in the Boer War and other tribes for colonising them. But, think about the British inventions that we all benefit from today (and, this is just a handful):
1. The first telephone – Alexander Graham Bell
2. The first steam locomotive – Richard Trevithick
3. The first television – John Logie Baird
4. World Wide Web – Tim Berners-Lee
5. The first programmable computer – Charles Babbage
6. Sports we enjoy in South Africa – football, cricket, rugby and tennis
7. The light bulb – Joseph Swan (yup he beat Edison to it)
8. Hypodermic syringe – Alexander Wood
9. Synthetic dye – William Perkin
10. Toothbrush – William Addis
11. Safety bicycle – John Kemp Starley
12. Cement – Joseph Aspdin
13. Stainless Steel – Harry Brearley
14. Photography – William Henry Fox Talbot
15. Sewage System – Joseph Bazalgette
16. Tin can – Peter Durand
If you go back in the annals of history, you’ll find that pretty much every tribe in this world has contributed something that we are benefiting from.
April 28, 2015
Employee Engagement: What if Hollywood Doesn’t Call?
In my line of work employee engagement is a big deal. And, the question on every leader’s lips is, “How do I get my people to come to work for more than a paycheque”. Leaders are struggling with and failing to figure out how to get their employees to come to work for something bigger than themselves.

One of the biggest mindset challenges I see with employees on a daily basis, is folks who have Hollywood jobs.

Let’s use Hollywood as a metaphor. Many aspiring actors end up in Hollywood hoping to make it as a star. Like Charlise Theron from our own shores. She made it big time.

Of course, stardom doesn’t just arrive (in fact, for most, it never does) so the aspirant has to find a job. “But, it’s only temporary, you understand, because I’m going to become a star”.

So, the aspirant ends up working as a waiter, barman, barista, exotic dancer and the like.

Sadly, probably in more than 90% of the cases, Hollywood doesn’t call and they either stay in their current jobs, depressed and defeated or they go back home.

I’m of the opinion that many of us are just like the aspiring actors we see going to Hollywood.

You see, we think the job we’re in is not our real job. No, our real job is out there. This one is temporary. When my agent calls I will become a star.

So, what’s the danger of that? Well it means that we don’t focus on the work in front of us and we don’t give our 100% effort.

Many of us think that when we get our dream job our attitude will change and our lives will change.

I think not. How we do our current job shows our character. And, if we have a slovenly and ‘do the bare minimum’ mindset a new job won’t change it. We will take our work ethic, character and attitude to the next job and get the same mediocre results we get in our current job. Not much will have changed.

So, what to do? Hit the reality button … our current job/career might be the one that we have for the rest of our lives. There’s no Hollywood agent call-back. If we do have an opportunity for a dream job, then we have the choice to pursue it and need to do everything in our power to get the job.

But, if we’re stuck in our job, we still have a choice.
- We have a choice to be a giver and not a taker and put in 100% effort. This will define our character.
- We can change our attitude and see the job in front of us as meaningful and useful.
- We can live in the moment and make every moment magic.
- We have a choice to work for a cause greater than ourselves … our team that toils with us and, of course, our family that relies on us. We can be there for each other and in the process create something masterful and wonderful.
So, maybe, just maybe we’re already in our dream job and we just have to change our perspective.
April 25, 2015
Sounds of Silence

I don’t know about you, but sometimes there is so much noise in my head. There’s so much noise in my environment. If it is not the dogs fighting, checking my Facebook profile, paying bills, worrying about my job, then it’s something else.

There’s always noise.

And, it appears that we encourage noise. We’re always doing something, keeping busy. We even carry this over to our kids. If they say they’re bored we try and find something for them to do (or just plonk them in front of the television). In my opinion, boredom is the doorway to creativity. You’ve actually got to figure things out.

The problem with keeping busy and living in noise all the time is that we don’t give ourselves the space that silence affords us.

And, of course some of us don’t want to contemplate the idea of silence. Because when we are still, we actually have to think. We have to deal with ourselves. Explore what is really important. And, sometimes we just don’t want to. So, we keep busy. In essence, we run away from truly connecting to ourselves.

Also, when our heads are in constant overdrive we don’t have the space to think and to be creative.

It is only in those moments of silence that we have a chance to let our subconscious mind percolate those ideas that are hidden under the noise. Who knows what we can come up with when we allow ourselves the space to think?

So, take a deep breathe, slow down the chaos and become silent. You may just be surprised what will come out.

I found the photo on the following website

March 25, 2015