My beloved child has just turned 16. They’ve been struggling for close on five years with the way they relate to the world (more like forever). They are an empath to the highest degree. Think when you ‘ugly cry’ in a sad movie and multiply that by 10. The pain and suffering in the world eviscerates their heart with the glass shards staying in for weeks.
Something had to give and they untethered from this reality. The cutting, the deep depression, the hopelessness of it all were manifest to their turmoil.
Their mother and I tried everything to help her get their feet back onto the ground. We have employed shamans, Reiki masters, NLP practitioners, psychologists, you name it. All for nought. I’ve begged, pleaded and bargained with Allah to give me their pain so that they don’t suffer. That’s not on the cards either, apparently.
Long story short, since April they’ve been to a state psychiatrist who prescribed pills to help balance them chemically. It has been nothing short of a miracle. They’re back. They’re human. They’re sentient. They’re love. They’re joy.
I thought our family was broken. It’s not. It is fractured and healable.
Separation from Reality
But, this is only the backstory to my own separation from reality and diving into the darkness that sometimes enfolds me.
They live in George with their mother, Simone’. I was visiting my child a month or so ago. Simone’ said to me, “Why don’t you take Aruna to the clinic to fetch her pills.”
Now I’m thinking that we’re going to a mainstream clinic … a Medicross kinda vibe. Aruna directs me to the clinic through a local township. I’m thinking that this is one hell of a fucking detour to get to the clinic. “Turn here,” they say. To my horror we drive into a car park where a mass of people trying to get into a nondescript building … evidently, the clinic.
When we get inside it’s like a dystopian nightmare, Covid be fucked. Bodies pressed together, sick festering souls, all screaming for solace, pain relief and peace.
My child is taking this all in her stride. Clearly, this is not her first rodeo. This is her reality. She’s at peace.
I, on the other hand, am having a breakdown. I excuse myself and go outside as tears of frustration, disappointment and self loathing start pouring out of me.
You’re a fuck up
How is it that I got myself into this financial situation where I can’t take my child to a private psychiatrist and get her medications from a Dischem? How is it that I’ve failed so miserably to provide for my family? How is it that my mother was right when she said I was a fuck up, a fiasco of failure and a disappointment to others, just like I was to her?
This was my Damascene moment. This was my rock bottom. My wake up call.
Right then, in that dystopian car park of Hades I decided to show up differently. Take back my power which I’ve been giving away for years (maybe lifetimes). I decided to stop suffering and to stop the self loathing and to embrace the untold gifts that await me (and you), if I only decided to accept them.
The changes were subtle and profound.
- I allowed my partner in so that she could really love me.
- I decided that it’s ok to make bucketloads of money like I used to.
- I decided that it’s ok to love myself unconditionally.
- I decided to take back my power from those I’ve given it to.
Miracles do Happen
It’s been a miracle since I shifted my perception.
- From couch surfing for the last couple of years, I now have a 3 bedroom place that I can call home. My own.
- Work is flowing in.
- Soon, Allah-willing more money will flood in and, I’ll be able to manifest what I want: To be with those that I love, to travel and to live.
So, perhaps it is like they say: You have to hit rock bottom and smash against the wall before you can truly heal. In the Hero’s Journey this would be the ‘dark night of the soul’. Where hopelessness, separation, desolation, abandonment and doubt feed off you, stripping you down to a no thing.
I don’t recommend hitting rock bottom – it’s hell, let nobody kid you about it. It tears your mind apart, it shreds your soul and eviscerates your emotions. It brings out your shadow and everything ugly about you. You vomit out the bile that’s been your life up until now. But, once you are purged, it opens up the possibility of something new.
Go now. Don’t hit rock bottom. I wouldn’t recommend it. Go make a choice now to change things you don’t like. Take back your power. Stand in your power. Raise your vibration, raise the world.
We can do this together, you and I.
I love you, Jacques.