One of our biggest drivers is to feel safe and secure.
I remember a story by my teacher, Shaykh Ebrahim Schuitema, that completely changed my understanding of security.
He spoke about owning a house which is one of the cornerstones of feeling secure in our perception.
He asked me to imagine that vandals would come to my house and trash it. When I come home from work and see the damage they’ve done, I’m appalled and upset.
I spring into action to make sure that this doesn’t happen again and that I protect my home. I sign up with my neighbourhood protection service, get an alarm and an electrified fence. And, for good measure, I bought an attack dog.
He then asked me to imagine that I’m walking in the street and getting mugged. I put up a fight and got soundly beaten up. I limp home battered and bedraggled. As I enter my home, does my house say to me, “Good grief, Jacques, what happened?” “How can I help you?” “I’m going to hunt down those muggers?”
Of course the house doesn’t say anything. In fact, if someone murdered me and slept in my bed, the house wouldn’t give two hoots.
Who is protecting whom?
We live in an impermanent world. Nothing is secure and everything can be taken away from us in a heartbeat. No marriage is completely secure. No job is secure. Health is never guaranteed. Possessions aren’t secure.
From one perspective, this is a depressing thought. From another perspective, this is liberating.
Don’t take anything for granted. Live each second as if it’s your last. Appreciate every moment. Be grateful, generous, and kind.
I feel that the Buddhists have it right when they talk about non-attachment. Attaching to anything makes one feel less secure, that’s for sure.
I love this song by Carl Douglas. Listen to it here. It’s certain to uplift your spirits.
I practised Kung Fu in the early nineties and entered a couple of sparring tournaments. I loved Kung Fu. The discipline and focus of it all. It’s an elegant style of fighting and something beautiful to watch.
I remember when I used to fight in competitions. The fighting started beautifully. It was an elegant and eloquent work of art encased in a tapestry of fluid movement and effortless flow.
The fighting was intense and tiring (3 x 3-minute rounds). As the fighting progressed, and the contestants got tired and hurt, it started to lose its shape. Near the end, elegance and eloquence flew out the window. It became nothing more than a common bar-room brawl. Head down, swinging wildly, hoping to hit something.
When “The best laid plans of mice and men often go awry” (Robert Burns), we go to our default programming.
I strive to live my life in flow – elegantly and eloquently. It has become apparent to me that I have a lot of work to do on that front. Sometimes, when I face difficulties, I tend to forget my good intentions and instead fall back on blaming and complaining.
This default setting puts me straight into victim mode. The programmers were good and coded me with shame, apathy, guilt, fear and anger. Maybe they did that to you too? Victimhood is not a path that is helpful. We can all get off that path and programme another one that is more helpful.
After all, as Carlos Castaneda said, “A path is only a path, and there is no affront, to oneself or to others, in dropping it if that is what your heart tells you.”
We can programme a better path for ourselves, one where mastery and not victimhood becomes our default setting.
The keystrokes of courage, awe, gratitude, love, joy and peace will help us on the way to our highest aspiration: Enlightenment.
Let’s do that, you and I. Let’s play this game elegantly and eloquently. That’s a better way to live, don’t you think?
I bang on about mediocrity a lot. Maybe I should interrogate that and see why that is, and what mediocrity in others mirrors for me … but not today.
I found a piece by Carlos Ruiz Zafón in his book The Angel’s Game that gives an articulate description of one aspect of mediocrity. It has clarified things for me in terms of the zeitgeist of the world today, it may be helpful to you too.
“Envy is the religion of the mediocre. It comforts them, it responds to the worries that gnaw at them and finally it rots their souls, allowing them to justify their meanness and their greed until they believe these to be virtues.
“Such people are convinced that the doors of heaven will be opened only to poor wretches like themselves who go through life without leaving any trace but their threadbare attempts to belittle others and to exclude – and destroy if possible – those who, by the simple fact of their existence, show up their poorness of spirit, mind and guts. Blessed be the one at whom the fools bark, because his soul will never belong to them.”
If the fools are barking at you, you can be sure that you’re on the right track. You’re holding your light. You’re in your power. Your frequency is vibrating as it should. Your soul is intact.
You who are pregnant with potential, don’t play small to make other people feel better.
You who are as smart as a whip, don’t dumb down your shit so that others can feel smart.
You who are as bright as the brightest star, don’t dull your genius to fit in.
“What’s lacklustre about Passengers isn’t just that the movie is short on surprise, but that it’s like a castaway love story set in the world’s largest, emptiest shopping mall in space.”
When I read this critique, I almost didn’t watch the movie. But, I’m so glad I decided to watch it.
The movie is about the starship Avalon transporting 5000 passengers (in induced hibernation) from earth through space to their new home, Homestead ll.
It’ll be 120 years before they arrive at Homestead ll. Avalon malfunctions after flying into an asteroid field and one of the passengers, Jim Preston (a mechanical engineer) is woken up 30 years into the journey; 90 years too soon.
He discovers that he’s totally alone.
He’s devastated, depressed and suicidal.
On the upside, his every whim is catered for – he has luxury, food, entertainment and the most spectacular view of the cosmos.
His dilemma raised a number of uncomfortable issues for me.
Imagine discovering that you are devastatingly alone. How would you feel? I’d probably be gutted and would, like Jim, consider taking my life. Of course, being a hopeful creature, I’d try and find another living soul … anybody to connect to.
After a year Jim awakens the beautiful Aurora from her hibernation pod. His loneliness is so much so that he is prepared to condemn Aurora to death by waking her just so that he could have company.
Eventually, they fall in love. Of course, she later finds out that he woke her on purpose and that her hibernation pod didn’t malfunction as he led her to believe.
She’s shattered, disillusioned and depressed. She hates Jim for ‘murdering’ her.
Long story, short. The ship starts malfunctioning and it’s up to Jim and Aurora to save it and the 5000 passengers along with it.
They do it.
Yay.
Jim figures out a way to put Aurora back in hibernation so that she can make the rest of the journey and get to Homestead ll. She chooses to stay and spend what’s left of her life with Jim.
When the passengers and crew finally wake up, there’s a ‘Garden of Eden’ on the central deck and a story of the miracle that happened.
What I took from this story
No amount of wealth, luxury and freedom can make you happy if there’s nobody to share it with.
I think that our deepest need is for connection. It’s what makes us tick. Without connection, we die. That’s probably why solitary confinement in prison is a harsher punishment than death.
We all have destinations we want to go to. We all have dreams. We all have plans. But as the Scottish poet, Robert Burns said, “The best laid plans of men and mice oft go awry.” The thing is that we don’t have any idea as to why our journeys take ‘wrong turns’.
Often, what appears to be a disaster is actually a blessing. If Jim and Aurora were in blissful hibernation, the ship would have exploded, killing all 5000 passengers and them along with it. So, they were right where they were supposed to be.
When I think back on my life, every ‘good’ and ‘bad’ event has shaped me into the human I am today and will become. I’m exactly where I’m meant to be. And, the exciting thing is that I don’t know what plans there are still for me before I give this journey up (with grace hopefully).
Life is what happens to you and me while we’re making other plans. Jim and Aurora accepted their situation and made a beautiful life. We tend to look for happiness elsewhere when it’s actually right in front of us. I think life is as simple as choosing to be happy in every situation.
“We either make ourselves miserable or we make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same.”
Carlos Castandeda
The random choices we make (and people we meet) do have a significant impact on our lives. We’re where we are because of this randomness and not because of any design or skill on our parts. In Jim’s case, he made a decision to pursue a career in mechanical engineering. Maybe his parents forced him to? If he’d made another choice … say, being an artist, things would have turned out differently for him and the 5000 other passengers.
The same is true for you and me – the so-called choices we make, or are forced to make, sets us up for things to come. They work out to our advantage in the end.
We get lost along the way to our destinations. And, that’s ok. The side roads and detours are where life happens and where our purpose is forged. We don’t know who we’ll impact along the journey or who’ll impact us.
Get lost, but don’t lose the lesson or lose who you are.
“You can’t get hung up on where you’d rather be that you forget to make the most of where you are,” Aurora.
How long has this lockdown been. 8 weeks? 9 weeks? I don’t know. It feels interminable. I feel like I have no voice in this new world. It has brought the best and the worst out of me. It has united and polarised us. It has unmasked the biases I didn’t know I had … and, never wanted to confront. I think that many of us are clamouring to be heard. We want to know that we still have voice, that we still matter and that there is still meaning. We’re not being heard and not being seen None of us. We’re ghosts …
I cook. I clean. I wash. I work. I drive. I love. I shout. I scream. They don’t hear me. They don’t see me. I’m alone. I’m a mother. I’m a ghost.
I fix things. I work. I pick up. I drop off. I love. I shout. I scream. They don’t hear me. They don’t see me. I’m lonely. I’m a father. I’m a ghost.
I stand on the street corner. I work. I wave my sign. I smile. I look frail. I’m hungry. I’m lonely. I’m hurt. I love. I shout. I scream. Why don’t they see me? Why don’t they hear me? I’m a beggar. I’m a ghost.
I study. I eat. I stay in my room. I do chores. I love. I’m lonely. I try to fit in. I don’t fit in. Why am I invisible? I shout. I scream. I’m a son. I’m a daughter. I’m a ghost.
I’m restless. I’m needy. I’m unfulfilled. I’m weak. I’m powerless. I want to be loved. I want to love. I’m lost. I’m lonely. I’m alone. Someone notice me … please. I’m human. I’m a ghost.
If like me, you’ve ever felt lost, unappreciated, unloved, unfulfilled, regretful, guilty, dissatisfied, disjointed, fractured or disappointed, then you know what a ghost feels like.
It cannot get peace (and leave this realm) because it’s trapped in a pit of self-pity, a river of regret and a desert of depression.
It’ll only be released to blessed peace and the bosom of mother Eden when it lets go of its expectations of how the world should be.
If it expects the world to be appreciative, loving and grateful for it being sentient, it’ll be damned to an eternity of regret, dissatisfaction and disappointment.
The ghost can only find solace when it realises that the world owes it nothing. Its children owe it nothing. Its boss owes it nothing. Its employees owe it nothing. Its spouse owes it nothing. The planet owes it nothing.
It will only find peace and move on when it realises that it owes everything – appreciation, happiness, awe, gratitude and love to the world and those that rent space in it.
We should make peace with the world as it is now and make peace with our role in it. The consequences and regret of not doing so will last for an eternity. Once the ghost allows itself to accept things as they are, and gives itself up with grace, only then will it be released into an eternity of joy.
I popped you a message on Friday regarding the future of PechaKucha Johannesburg. If you missed it, you can read it here.
Guess the author
I’d love your help. Have a look at the doodle below. Who’s the author you’d think of first? If you have the time and inclination, please pop me an email with who you think it is. In next week’s newsletter, I’ll reveal the results and the rationale behind the question.
Those People
Do you remember last week’s piece called Those People? Apparently, I have learned a new skill in lockdown and turned it into a short (01:04) video. It’s a wonderful way to repurpose the key points of your written content. Have a peek at it and let me know what you think.
Imagine your 80-year-old self reflecting on how you played the game until this point. Looking back, did you achieve everything that you set out to do? Some of it? None of it?
Did the promise life or at least GQ, Vogue and Cosmopolitan magazines make you come true?
Did you get that perfect life? The beautiful house. The beautiful body. The perfect wife/husband. The adoring children. Two cars and three pets (two dogs and a cat).
Did it play out well for you?
What if the promise was never kept and not one of your hopes and dreams were fulfilled (not even the dogs and cat). Would you feel like a failure? Would you be disappointed and disillusioned?
I would feel like a failure, wouldn’t you?
But, what if all that you were promised came true. Even the dogs and cat were perfect. Would you feel secure, powerful, fulfilled and contented?
Hell, yeah!
Mmm, maybe not so much.
The paradox is that whether you get what you want or not, you’ll always be disillusioned, disappointed and depressed.
One day when you meet those that were given so much, ask them one and all how it worked out for them: Whitney Houston, Phillip Seymour Hoffman, Michael Jackson, Amy Winehouse, Heath Ledger, Robin Williams, Bernie Madoff et alia.
Ask your average billionaire next door how things are working out – the 10-bedroomed house, the trophy husband, the yacht and the Lamborghini. When life happens – illness, infidelity, infertility, indigestion, ingratitude and infrequent intercourse – all the glitter and gold loses its shine, doesn’t it?
We’re mostly in a state of dissatisfaction and disillusionment where all we want to do is trade in, trade up or trade out, don’t we?
If family, friends, fame, Fendi, Ferrari and favour can’t do the trick, what can?
Focusing on the process of living this life and not the outcome is one way to make it count.
Because the outcome, whether you get it or not is always dissatisfactory. It never quite plays out how you thought it would. It never scratches the itch called insecurity.
Focus on the moment. Focus in the moment. Make what you do in this moment count. It’s art.
My daughter, Rebecca, was around three or four years old – I’m hazy on the timing, but I’m crystal clear on the story I’m about to relate to you. It’s indelibly inked into my psyche.
Rebecca reached out her hands to Simoné and I and said, “Mommy, daddy, I want to tell you something.”
She led us to a couch and indicated that we should sit. She stood facing us. As I looked up into her eyes I drowned into the depths of my soul. Rebecca was gone. Someone or something else had replaced her. I can only describe it as the deepest wisdom I’ve ever experienced. I had the feeling I was meeting a blue-painted Pict that had been forged in the crucible of countless Caledonian winters. I didn’t get the feeling that she was a warrior, though. Her eyes were too gentle for that. They were like pools of love. If I were to describe her with the limited lexicon available to me, I’d have to say she was some kind of shaman.
You were chosen
Rebecca (the Pict) spoke, “You were chosen.”
I looked at her nonplussed. She looked at Simoné and I with patience and with the total love only a parent can have for a child.
She continued, “The old crone and I were sitting together waiting for you. And, when you came past she smiled, kissed me on my forehead and gently pushed me towards the two of you. And, you know what mommy and daddy? I’m so glad that we chose you.”
Instantly, after she uttered those words, the eons of wisdom faded from her eyes. She became a child again and I had the illusion of becoming the parent again. She came to us and we all hugged and held onto this wonderful moment. If the great architect of the universe called me home right then, I would willingly have gone because for me, in that moment, all was right in the world.
I’ve been given more than is due to me
Ever since then, I’ve felt so blessed that this soul presented herself as flesh, named herself Rebecca and chose me as her father and Simoné as her mother. I know that by being graced by Rebecca, I have already been given more than is my due on this short journey.
Take a moment to pause and have a look at your child, your lover, your spouse, your parents, your friends and your work colleagues. Look into their eyes. Feel the call … the call of one soul choosing another. Remember, no matter whom you are or your station in life, someone has seen you. Someone has reached out to you. That alone should be reason enough for you to carry on with what’s left of journey in awe and gratitude … because you, you’re the chosen.
Have you ever wished that you were somewhere else or doing something else? I used to want to be somewhere else, doing something else until I came across the notion of the warrior and the artist.
It helped me shift from wanting something ‘out there’ to being grateful that I was privileged enough to be given the opportunity to become who I truly am. A being who is grateful and in awe that he gets to play around a little on this planet before he is called home.
The Warrior
A warrior fights both external and internal battles. The internal battles are infinitely harder. If you know this, you are already on the path to becoming a true warrior. The internal battles are the ones the warrior has to fight every day to become who she truly is.
The warrior understands that the ultimate victory is victory over self – the victory over sloth, selfishness, ego, vanity and pursuing stuff. The warrior gets that her job is to sort out her head and her heart and to strive for a life of selfless service to others. And, to work on stuff. The warrior is prepared to die for her comrades, causes and countries She’s selfless.
A warrior has little concept of time and place. He gets that wherever and whenever he is … this is where he’s supposed to be. In that moment. Because every moment is an opportunity to work on his inner self. Every moment is instructive and is an opportunity to do work that matters. Be it a mundane moment (replacing a lightbulb) or momentous one (really listening and connecting with a loved one).
The Artist
The artist speaks to the work we have to do. Too many of us are results-focused and we want to produce something tangible. I get that. In our work life, we’re paid for results, aren’t we? But how many of us are like artists, taking joy from the process? How many of us love the work for the work’s sake and not just for the result? Artists are nurtured by the actual doing of the work …the painting, the writing, communicating with a child, washing the dog, washing dishes, calculating a sum, solving a problem, taking a photo, serving somebody a cup of coffee, meditating. It matters not what they do because it’s all art to them. Everything we do is creation. And, I’m sure you get that we’re all artists. We all create something, no matter how insignificant we may think it is. Artists know that sometimes we’ll produce mediocrity and sometimes we’ll produce a masterpiece.
Both artists and warriors don’t wish to be doing anything else but what they are doing in this moment. Why? Because we’re creators and it makes us happy to create. Because we are warriors and it gives us a chance to fight the inner battles and become truly who he is.
However, choosing the warrior path is not easy because we actually have to deal with ourselves. And, more often than not, it’s not pretty. So, we choose not to deal with ourselves and distract ourselves with that outside of us. But, I think we owe it to ourselves to do the inner work because it’s so awesome to have been given the opportunity to play in this human endeavour, albeit for such a short time. I love Carl Jung’s take on finding oneself: “The privilege of a lifetime is to become who you truly are.”
And, of course, choosing the life of an artist is not easy, either. Creating is not easy. It’s messy. It’s chaotic. It’s failure after failure. It’s inconvenient and seldom goes to plan. But it’s necessary. Because it’s the attention we give the moment we are in where the real magic happens. This is when we create something wondrous. Something that makes the soul sing. Something called art.
Work On The Stuff That Matters Or You’ll Be Left In Tatters (alternate title)
I don’t know about you, but when I see a beggar on the street, I feel sorry for him. And guilty. I have so much and he has so little.
But when I reflect that my job on this planet is to get on the path with heart and sort out my soul, is he any worse off than me?
With all that I have been blessed with, am I actually better off where it really counts?
It brings to mind a conversation that Don Juan had with Carlos Castaneda when they were watching street urchins scrounging left-overs from a restaurant.
Don Juan asked Castaneda if he felt sorry for them? He asked him if he felt superior to them? Was he better off than them?
Castaneda affirmed all the questions. I suppose knowing that there was a lesson coming even as the last ‘yes’ left his lips.
Don Juan asked him what made him think that he would find the path before the street urchins?
I’ve reflected on these words for a while and realised that Don Juan is spot on.
When it comes to soul-work, guilt, judging anyone, feeling superior to anyone and feeling sorry for anyone (and, oneself) is a fruitless exercise. We don’t know who will find the path to sorting out his or her soul first (and, it’s not a race). The person we pity could be way down the path to enlightenment. You and I may not even have thought about a path.
We love the Lamborghini more than we do the lamb
In the West we tend to equate success with money, power and possessions. We think that our job is to get stuff and not to work on the stuff inside us. We’ve made stuff our god. We revere Rolex more than reading, we care more for praise (for ourselves) than for prayer, we love the Lamborghini more than we do the lamb and we’d rather be anywhere but here … in this moment. We’re confused and lost. Let me not put this on you and project … maybe I’m confused and lost.
In my opinion, power, money, possessions feed our egos. They distract us from the true purpose: finding a path with heart and doing the work that the soul requires.
There is a strong and valid argument that our quest for stuff could literally be the death of us. Right now, we’re little more than locusts, consuming everything in our path and raping our planet of everything that can sustain us. Our quest for power and to please our ego has already left our souls in tatters … giving us very little room for caring for one another. This drama is not going to end well, that I can promise you.
You’re smart enough to know that by putting each other first we can still fix this planet, we can fix ourselves, we can find a path with heart and we can still sing our soul’s song. We can actually do work that matters. But we’ll have to become a lot less reliant on the notion that the stuff we consume and value right now will make us feel worthwhile.
Here’s a hack I use to ensure my happiness (most of the time).
When you’re in the traffic have you ever slowed down and given someone a gap so that they can cut in front of you?
And, after this courtesy, have you expected a gesture of appreciation … a raised hand or a quick flick of the hazard lights?
Have you been surprised (and angry) that the driver takes the gap without even so much as a nod in your direction?
I would imagine that we have all experienced this. And, we have probably all been angry when someone doesn’t recognise us and appreciate our kind gesture.
I know I’ve felt short-changed when I haven’t had appreciation.
I think that we all crave recognition and appreciation for the things we do.
Research indicates that one of the biggest motivators for employees is recognition and appreciation … strangely enough, more so than money.
I have another take on this. If you really want to be happy, don’t expect appreciation.
I used to expect a thank you or some gesture of appreciation every time I did something nice for someone. And, when I didn’t get it my nose was put out of joint and I got on my high horse. Short version … I got angry.
I figured out quite quickly that I had two choices. Don’t do anything nice for anyone or don’t let lack of appreciation rattle me.
The second option, patently, was the smarter one. Now, I don’t (ok, seldom) expect appreciation for anything I do for others and it has been a liberating experience.
I wish I could say that I’m never disappointed when someone doesn’t show me appreciation. Unfortunately, I do from time-to-time get disappointed. I suppose it is my human condition that expects some kind of validation. But, I’m certainly less hung up about appreciation than I used to be. When I do get the rare person that shows me appreciation it is an absolute gift that makes my day.
Of course, not getting appreciation doesn’t mean that you don’t have to give appreciation. You and I should be finding every opportunity to appreciate others.
When last have you appreciated someone for an act of kindness?
There are so many opportunities to show appreciation. Off the top of my head … when your wife cooks you a meal (whether it is (the meal) amazing or not), when your husband goes to the garage and makes sure the oil is topped up, when your work colleague offers to make you a cup of coffee and when your employee does good work.
Just a pat on the back, a squeeze of the shoulder and the words, “Thank you, I appreciate what you’ve done for me”, will do wonders for your relationship with those around you.
We are more inclined to do the things that are appreciated over and over again.
So, if you want happiness, don’t expect appreciation and if you want to make others happy, give lots of appreciation.
