Category: Philosophy, Spirituality & Metaphysics

  • The Strange Secret To Happiness

    The Strange Secret To Happiness

    Here’s  a hack I use to ensure my happiness (most of the time).

    When you’re in the traffic have you ever slowed down and given someone a gap so that they can cut in front of you?

    And, after this courtesy, have you expected a gesture of appreciation … a raised hand or a quick flick of the hazard lights?

    Have you been surprised (and angry) that the driver takes the gap without even so much as a nod in your direction?

    I would imagine that we have all experienced this. And, we have probably all been angry when someone doesn’t recognise us and appreciate our kind gesture.

    I know I’ve felt short-changed when I haven’t had appreciation.

    I think that we all crave recognition and appreciation for the things we do.

    Research indicates that one of the biggest motivators for employees is recognition and appreciation … strangely enough, more so than money.

    I have another take on this. If you really want to be happy, don’t expect appreciation.

    I used to expect a thank you or some gesture of appreciation every time I did something nice for someone. And, when I didn’t get it my nose was put out of joint and I got on my high horse. Short version … I got angry.

    I figured out quite quickly that I had two choices. Don’t do anything nice for anyone or don’t let lack of appreciation rattle me.

    The second option, patently, was the smarter one. Now, I don’t (ok, seldom) expect appreciation for anything I do for others and it has been a liberating experience.

    I wish I could say that I’m never disappointed when someone doesn’t show me appreciation. Unfortunately, I do from time-to-time get disappointed. I suppose it is my human condition that expects some kind of validation. But, I’m certainly less hung up about appreciation than I used to be. When I do get the rare person that shows me appreciation it is an absolute gift that makes my day.

    Of course, not getting appreciation doesn’t mean that you don’t have to give appreciation. You and I should be finding every opportunity to appreciate others.

    When last have you appreciated someone for an act of kindness?

    There are so many opportunities to show appreciation. Off the top of my head … when your wife cooks you a meal (whether it is (the meal) amazing or not), when your husband goes to the garage and makes sure the oil is topped up, when your work colleague offers to make you a cup of coffee and when your employee does good work.

    Just a pat on the back, a squeeze of the shoulder and the words, “Thank you, I appreciate what you’ve done for me”, will do wonders for your relationship with those around you.

    We are more inclined to do the things that are appreciated over and over again.

    So, if you want happiness, don’t expect appreciation and if you want to make others happy, give lots of appreciation.

  • Curb your judgement

    Curb your judgement

    After his book launch an author complained that one of his best friends never bought his book. He ranted, saying that he expected his friend to support him by buying his book. He got nods of agreement from the the rantees.

    The author went as far as saying that he was prepared to terminate the long-standing friendship because of this ‘shameful’ behaviour. All, once again nodded in agreement. Except for one.

    He asked, “Is it true that your friend had to buy your book?” He went on to ask if it wasn’t conceivable that the friend expected the author to maybe give him the book for free because of the virtue of their long-standing friendship?

    He also asked if the author was prepared to break up a friendship over the price of a R150 book? The same friend who had helped the author out of many a tight spot and had been nothing but supportive throughout the blood, sweat and tears that writing brings out of one.

    It is easy to get on one’s high horse and judge someone for a perceived slight. But, who knows that person’s situation? The friend may have been going through a hard time financially and just managed to scrape enough money for the petrol to get to the book launch. The friend may be an inch away from debtors prison, his wife may be leaving him and he is barely hanging on. You see, one doesn’t always know the other side of the story.

    Take taxi drivers for instance. A seriously easy (and mostly-deserved) target for our ire. Generally, they’re hated for the way they take over the road, cut in front of us, stop at will and break every rule of the road. Monsters, one and all, aren’t they?

    But, is this true?

    From my understanding, a taxi driver has to make a set sum of money for his boss before he starts making any money for himself. Let’s call it R1 500. This means that he has to get as many passengers into his vehicle and drop them off as quickly as possible so that he can do this again and again and again. He may only start making money for himself late in the afternoon and could walk away with the princely sum of R200 for being up before the crack of dawn. This kind of pressure can’t possibly lead to sterling behaviour.

    Remember, like us he is a parent, a husband, a son and a human being. He is just trying to do the best he can do under the circumstances. Just like you and me. Perhaps our judgement should go to the taxi bosses whose yoke enslaves these drivers?

    My housekeeper was late for the umpteenth time. I got angry with her. She explained, that for the piddly (my words) R150 a day I paid her to clean up my mess, she had to get up at 4 am and catch two taxis. Then she had to do the same going back home. I can’t remember the detail, but her taxi fare was in the region of R70. So, her take home pay was R80. I don’t know about you, but I’m not sure I would go through the stress she does to work for R80 a day.

    I don’t get angry with her much anymore.

    I’m mindful that the universe doesn’t revolve around me, that other people have their own issues, hopes and dreams. And, that whilst I’m judging them, they too may be judging me because my behaviour is strange and abhorrent to them too. Perhaps a better way is to look at every situation with curiosity rather than with judgement.

    [author] [author_image timthumb=’on’]https://www.jacquesdevilliers.co.za/wp-content/uploads/2013/01/Screen-Shot-2015-06-20-at-11.43.17-AM.png[/author_image] [author_info]Jacques de Villiers is the strategic account director for the Jacques de Villiers Group. He helps set both his clients and his partners up to succeed. For his own account he speaks and trains on, personal excellence, leadership, marketing and copywriting.[/author_info] [/author]

  • From superficial to stupendous

    From superficial to stupendous

    Have you ever experienced the relief when a car alarm that has been going off for the last hour, stops?

    Suddenly you can take a breath and think clearly again.

    But, if it isn’t a car alarm, it’s some other distraction that’ll keep us out of our heads.

    I love distraction because the reality is that it stops me from thinking. More specifically, it stops me from thinking about myself. And, it stops me from living an authentic life.

    I like to keep it light and superficial because sometimes it is hard to deal with myself. I don’t want to have to ask (and answer) questions like, “why am I where I’m at?”, “am I happy and do I even know what will make me happy?”, “why am I not achieving my goals?”.

    Because if I’m forced to answer these questions I might not be happy with what comes out.

    I may just come to the realisation that I’m 100% responsible for the how my life has turned out. And, when I have nobody to blame but myself … that’s a bitter pill to swallow. Because once you come to that realisation that there’s nowhere to hide, then you have to deal with yourself. And, that can be hard.

    Thus, I keep myself busy so that I don’t have to face the reality of what I have created … my life.

    Theologian Frederich Buechner puts it more eloquently than I ever could, “We shy away from introspection because however fearful the surface seems, we fear the depths still more.

    Of course we fear the depths and try and keep things light and on the surface. But, it is only when we go deep that we can really figure things out for ourselves.

    And, when we truly plumb the depths of our hearts and souls and realise that, yes, we really are 100% responsible for creating our world, it can be quite liberating.

    Because if we’re 100% responsible, we have the power to change any situation we’re in right now.

    So, if you’re not happy with something in your life, you have the choice to do something about it right now.

    Take yourself off the grid for a while and shut the ‘alarm’ off so that you can come to grips with who you really are.

    Have the courage to go deep so that you can turn your life from superficial to stupendous. The journey is worth it, I promise you.

    Photo by Zsolt Zsigmond 

  • Attention is superior to intention

    Attention is superior to intention

    It was when I was rereading Etsko Schuitema’s Intent: Exploring the Core of Being Human the other day that I came across this aphorism: Attention is Superior to Intention.

    Eckhart Tolle made the same observation when he said, “Realize deeply that the present moment is all you have. Make the NOW the primary focus on your life.

    And, to add some more weight to this, Carlos Castaneda said, “A man of knowledge lives by acting, not by thinking about acting.

    These quotes and more, highlight the weakness in setting goals for our lives.

    Our goals are full of good intent. We want the fancy car, we want to lose weight, we want to quit smoking, we want to travel, we want to be rich, we want a loving relationship and the like.

    However, most of us are not prepared to pay attention to the process of getting our intention.

    Unless we focus on the actions and do the work to get to our end destination, all the visualisations and affirmations in the world won’t get us any nearer to our dreams.

    I believe that many of us miss the boat because we’re not prepared to pay attention to the work we have to do in the moment to achieve our dreams. Just in case you think I’m judging, I’m not … I’m as guilty as the next man of not working as hard as I should. I miss the boat plenty.

    Perhaps some of us are just not prepared to pay the price to get what we want. Perhaps I can just be blunt enough and say it, “We are lazy and want our success handed to us on a plate”.

    As Thomas Edison said, “Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.

    I think many of us have bought into the saying “work smarter and not harder”. And, maybe it has given us an excuse not to work too hard. The problem is that we are not working smarter either. So, if we take away hard work and smarts, we’re pretty much left with nothing.

    We are also misled by the media’s portrayal of people that are ‘overnight successes’. I think if we interrogate these so-called ‘overnight successes’ we’ll find the opposite is true. We’ll find that they worked extremely hard, over a long period of time whilst enduring failure after failure to achieve ‘overnight success’. 99% of ‘overnight success’ stories are myth.

    I suppose the trick is to figure out what it is that we really want in our lives. Then set action plans to achieve what it is we want and then use every moment wisely and knuckle down and do the work.

    Because as you know, the only place where success comes before work is in the dictionary.