A number of people have asked me why I stopped sending out my newsletter. To be honest, I’ve had a ‘dark night of the soul’ experience and retreated into my cave to lick my wounds and make sense of my world again. Those panic attacks I wrote about had turned into depression (I can say that because I have 20 degrees in psychology 😉 – it’s probably just something called Jannie Jammergat) and it was quite debilitating.
Long story short, my partner Estelle left to pursue her dream in Australia (and because I only have a diploma, am over 45 and don’t have a quajillion dollars to invest in starting a business there, I cannot go with). So, we consciously uncoupled on 7 June. We decided to honour our brief relationship with love, compassion and gratitude and not acrimony and regret. We both love each other dearly, but it is not our path to be together.
Of course like any good author, I’ll write a book about it because the nine months we were together (yeah, a birth) were the most heart-opening, loving, triggering (Carlos Castaneda’s Petty Tyrant incarnate) and healing experience for both of us. We were soulmates, or according to the clever people, twin flames (who come into each others life for a short period).
Because I have 20 degrees in psychology I’ve diagnosed myself not as depressed, but as grieving. So, I sit with the process, the pain, the heartache and try and heal from it (Just like Estelle is doing in Australia).
But this story isn’t about Estelle and I. It’s actually about the lexicon we use to frame our reality … the register and the vocabulary we use.
There were two ways we could look at our experience: heartbreaking, shattering, pain, hurt, rejection, abandonment … I can go on.
Or we could look at it as a: healing, loving, growing, insightful, grateful, powerful and heart-opening experience.
Of course we’re both sad and grieving the loss of our human attachment. The reality, however, is that our relationship is something to celebrate. I was gifted with an opportunity to really love someone at the deepest levels possible; as was Estelle. Since my journey at the Sufi retreat in 2016 I’ve been trying to get out of my head and into my heart and connect with the divine (in me).
It was easy sprouting wisdom from the safe domain of a retreat or as an intellectual exercise … not having to be in the blood and guts of life. You don’t get your hands dirty or your heart tested.
So, spirit said, “Oh, you really want to open your heart, do you?” Well here you go: meet Estelle. Through Estelle and a shit ton of work from my side, spirit got me to integrate my learnings and insights in a very real way.
In short, Estelle loved my heart open … there was no vocabulary of breaking, tearing, shattering. And, in the process, I loved my own heart open and am changed as a consequence.
I suppose I could have chosen, “Watch Your Language” as a title for this article, but Lexicon of Love seemed more apt. But yeah, watch your language, be vigilant of your vocabulary and be mindful of how you speak to yourself and frame things. What I’m starting to understand is that every experience is for our higher good, even though it may not feel so at the time. As my friend Etsko Schuitema loves to say, “The world is your ally.” I think he’s right.
My heart has been loved open. That’s the lexicon I choose.