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March 11, 2024

Love Coach – Cyriano de Bergenac

Motivational speaker Jacques de Villiers writes a LinkedIn profile for Cyriano de Bergenac.

Jacques de Villiers – writing quest: Article 42/365

Cyriano de Bergenac asked me to write his LinkedIn Profile for him.

I help inarticulate, clumsy and shy men get the woman of their dreams.

I help men who have offended their love, win her back.

If your heart wants to pound through your chest when you see the object of your desire and don’t know what to say to her because your mouth dries up, words burn up like vampires in the sun, and you look like you’ve had a stroke, then you need my services. 

I am Cyriano de Bergerac, also known as Gérard Depardieu. I’m a swordsman turned love coach. I write prose and poetry that will melt any woman’s heart. 

I know what I’m talking about. I was where you are. I fell in love with my cousin, Roxane (don’t judge, it was de rigueur in my day). My problem is that I was ugly, not quite Smeagol (my precious) ugly, but with a nose big enough to frighten a Proboscis monkey. 

This chop, Christian, makes a play for my Roxane. He’s stunning, but not the sharpest. He asks me to write her letters on his behalf. I accede to his request, but only to secretly express my love to her. Long story short, I’m felled by a tree (I know, for an ex-swordsman, that’s just pathetic). As I die in Roxanne’s arms she tells me she knew the letters were from me and that she’s in love with me. 

Don’t be like me, make you play quick, get your love, make babies and live happily ever after. Let me write the words that will take you from the friend zone to the end zone and from the dog box to the boudoir. 

Don’t be incredulous: I told you upfront that I’m now known as Gérard Depardieu. You’ve heard of reincarnation, I assume? If you haven’t, you’re probably pretty dense and will definitely need my writing skills otherwise you’ll die alone.

Talk is cheap. Let me show you an example of a letter I wrote in the form of a court case.

This client of mine made a bit of a cul of himself. In your vernacular it would be poepol. He was overly eager, displaying a sense of desperation. Now we know that desperation is not a good look on a man. I had to save the day. We sent this letter to the object of his affection.

State Vs. Frikkie Havenga
Plaintiff: Henrietta Papenfus

Domicillium citandi et executandi: Verona, Italy

Charge: Making an ass (cul) (legal term 321. Assenger’s syndrome) of himself with too many WhatsApp messages even though the plaintiff made it clear that she thinks it’s bordering on stalking. She wants to remedy the situation by declaring him persona non grata. Basically, she wants a restraining order.

Defence: Temporary Insanity (Non compos mentis)

Precedence: Romeo and Juliet, Verona, 14th Century. Prevalent feeling: Amare (love), with a touch of la luxere (lust).

Reason: Plaintiff was the first person to touch Havenga’s heart after it was broken 20 months ago. He’s in love again, and it feels wonderfully giddy.

Undecided Decision: The plaintiff must determine whether she will withdraw the stalking charges and offer Havenga an opportunity to redeem himself or tell him to take a hike. 

Verdict: What does the Plaintiff say? Yay. Nay.

They’re naming their first child after me. 

Inbox me ℅ Paris, France if you’d like me to write you something to melt even the hardest heart.

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