I don’t get to sit at the grownups table

I really appreciate you. I appreciate that you give up of your time to read my pieces of text. They’re often not easy to read, because you can see my internal struggle with my existential crises. Sometimes I think reading my stuff must be like watching a train wreck happening, and being powerless to do anything about it.

But, you’re still here, so perhaps you like wroeging with me. Perhaps my struggles mirror your own. You get that this is no ordinary blog post, and if you’re getting it, you’re meant to be getting it. Maybe you and I can ‘get it’ together.

I’m not sure if it is because the planets are in retrograde, but I’m feeling unsettled (more so than usual), unmoored and uneasy.

My finances have been unsettling the fuck out of me. It’s either feast or famine with me. Do you ever feel like that?

To that end, I decided to go for a kinesiology session with intuitive healer, Estelle Kapp.

Jinne tog, it was a mind bending, heart-wrenching and soul-affirming experience. I had to risk knowing myself so that I could manifest my desire. I got through the crucible somewhat changed, and a bit more settled despite the retrograding planets’ best intentions to unsettle me.

I came in with the question: Why do I have money blocks?

It turns out that I don’t have a money issue, I have a self-loathing issue. WTF. It turns out that I live to punish myself. I thought I lived for roast lamb and potatoes. Talk about being confused.

Here’s what came up.

1. I sabotage myself by thinking that it’s not ok for me to be spiritual (take that you Sufi wannabe). I even wrote a book about my spiritual journey.
2. It’s not ok for me to have a place among grownups and to succeed. What the hell do I do with that? Why can’t I sit at the grownups table?
3. It turns out that I’m also a ‘lost child’ which stems from a dysfunctional, abusive family life. I merge into the background to protect myself. I play small so that others feel big. I hide my light so that others can shine. I even shot a short video about that called Those People. Ironically, it wasn’t about ‘those people’, but about me.
4. Most telling of all, because I feel that I couldn’t protect my mother, I’ve become the quintessential rescuer.

None of these are good things, I tell you. But at least they’re out in the open, and revealed to me. Now I can do something about them.

What’s the point of exposing the inner workings of my brain, heart and soul to you?

I’m not really sure. Maybe it’s a cautionary tale for you that not everything is as it appears. Maybe you don’t have money issues, relationship issues or health issues. For me, it’s self-loathing, for you it might be something else.

It may just be worth exploring because once you cut through the Gordian Knot of unsolvable pain, and unblock what holds you back, you have a semblance of a chance of manifesting your deepest desires. Who knows?

You’re the Job.