A tale of two copywriters

I wrote a short play for your enjoyment and decided to turn it into a LinkedIn profile too.

♂ Ernest
⚲ Beckett

♂ I was sneaking a whiskey into my coffee at the office canteen when a young copywriter I’d seen in the corridors of Digital Dudes (a monstrosity of a name, I know) sat next to me.

⚲ What’s up my G, join you?

♂ He was young, maybe 20, 23 max. He had a patina of pimples across his forehead, a bit of fuzz on his top lip and milk still dribbling out of his mouth. He wore track pants and a white golf shirt with some kind of crocodile on it. His takkies were white with green trim. 

⚲ Dude, I’m Beckett.” He pointed to a table behind him. Those are my e-boys and e-girls, Albus, Brynlee and Adalyn. 

♂ I like your takkies.

⚲ Huh … oh, you mean my trainers. “Thanks boomer, these creps are Stan Smiths, and they’re real dank. 

♂ They didn’t look moist and humid to me. Maybe he meant that they made his feet sweat.

⚲ I like your sweater, it’s really hard. 

♂ It’s cashmere you little twerp I thought, how can it be hard? 

⚲ What’s your name?

♂ Ernest.

⚲ That’s a sick name.

♂ I thought it was a pretty cool name. My parents named me after Ernest Hemingway. The Old man and the Sea was our favourite book. If I wasn’t so lit from all the whiskey, I’d have brained him.

⚲I’m the head copywriter for the ⚲ clothing boutique, called Amaranth. Have you heard of it? 

♂ No, I only shop at McCullagh & Bothwell in Hyde Park.

♂ Where did you study?

⚲ I did a six-month certificate in digital marketing at Creative Digital. 

⚲You, Boomer?

♂ I got a 3-year National Dip. Public Relations in 1987. 

⚲ That’s dope, Boomer. So old school. Were you like my dad and conscripted into the army?

♂ I was.

⚲ Are you deadass? Being in the army is so not woke.

♂ I felt quite awake. In fact, the buzz from the whiskey was starting to wear off and his high-pitched voice was giving me a headache. I felt like throwing up.

♂How was I going to get rid of this condescending snot nose? 

♂ I suppose I am old school. We used to get our work printed on real paper … you know, from trees. 

⚲ That’s so not woke, you know that trees have feelings, don’t you? How many trees died because of you?

♂ A shit ton I suppose. I’ve written more than 10-million words since 1996.

⚲ Ok, Boomer, that’s so basic. You must see the memes I create for Insta. I’m an influencer with 200 000 followers. How many followers you got?

♂ I looked at him blankly, my headache reaching migraine proportions. “Huh?”

⚲ Boomer, my e-boys and girls are calling me, bye.

♂ There are lots of Becketts, Albusses, Brynlees and Adalyns to choose from and only one me.

♂ I’m finna going to get another whiskey whilst you decide which way you want to go.

* Disclaimer. No Gen Zs were harmed in the writing of this short play.